Confidence Isn't a Pipe Dream

Guys, if I'm being totally honest, confidence in a hard thing to come by for me. That's not to say I don't feel it - I feel confidence with my work most days, my friendships and relationships with my family, confidence about my personality and who I am, etc...BUT there are several things I know about myself to be true:

• I get nervous meeting new people, I worry they will not like me and this often deters me from opening up
• Big groups of people terrify me, especially when I don't have anyone to fall back on
• When I'm out at the bar, I often avoid eye contact with people I find attractive - I also am afraid to let lose and have a good time

I could keep going. But I'll spare you! The point is, for as confident as I am with my insides, my outsides hold me back. I'm currently on a tough wellness journey and I say wellness because it's not all about losing weight. I started this journey in an effort for my insides to match my outsides a little better. Finally get the Ashley that I know to be true, out of her shell and dancing at parties. 

I'm 30 pounds down, but above all else, I'm 5 months stronger, less stressed, and more confident. So much so that I've shocked myself in the past few weeks. Here's how: 

• I went out a few weekends ago and danced like I didn't have a care in the world - I felt SO confident that night. It payed off...I met someone!
• The next night, I went out again (rare for me) and just let loose with friends. When a really handsome guy came over to dance with me, my first thought was, "this has to be a joke," but then I mustered up my confidence and had the best time. He chose to dance with me. Most likely because I looked confident..I wasn't avoiding eye contact this time! *Insert the salsa dancing emoji here*
• Stayed with a friend last weekend who invited me to breakfast the next day with a group of people I had never met. Instead of passing like I might have done in the past, I went and had a great time meeting new people!
• Then later that night, even though I wasn't feeling up to it, I took up my friends offer to grab dinner and drinks and made friends with some people at the bar.

All of this I can tell you is me finding my confidence. Whatever be the reason for finding and connecting with it more, it's finally happening and what a difference it has made!

Being confident sometimes is just about pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, which I know...hard. It's not fun, but I feel like all my best memories happen when I do so. 

I'll leave you with this: 

Athletic Wear - The Struggle Between Functionality and Looking Cute

I'm not going to lie, half of my motivation at the gym derives from whether or not I like what I'm wearing - it's a total confidence boost! So three months ago when I started this fitness journey, I bought some new digs, including a pair of Nike sneakers - expensive Nike sneakers. Let me tell you, those pricey shoes are falling apart and my cheap-o (but still super cute) Old Navy workout clothes are in great shape!

I'm curious, how does everyone feel about New Balance shoes? Or is there another brand that works well for you - I'm a runner, but also do some strength training, cycling, and kick boxing. I need something that is functional for all of that.

My other question is this - when shopping for workout apparel, where do you buy from? See I love Old Navy, but am intrigued by Fabletics, Athleta and even Gap. Has anyone tried? I often will lounge in these clothes for a while too, so I like them to play a dual role if they can.

Any feedback would be so appreciated!!!

Monday Mayhem: A Quinoa Recipe, Vacation Photos, A Recent Purchase & More

If we're being honest here, Mondays really suck. You know what sucks more? The Monday after a vacation where you're back at your work desk and thinking, "no, this can't be happening." Guys, I've already counted the days till my next vacation. [July, where you at?!] But, I've got Starbucks in hand and that alone makes me invincible, along with the fact that I packed a really yummy lunch today! Speaking of....

Guys, peep this Mexican quinoa recipe from Pinterest! I would have taken pictures of my own, but despite it tasting delicious, it just didn't look as pretty as it did online. It was super easy and it feeds 4, which means I've separated it and plan to bring it for lunch this week. Quinoa is such a healthy alternative to a rice, since I've been on a health kick (20 pounds down! hooray!) I've tried to eat more of those damn "power foods." Anyway, click on picture for the recipe and let me know what you think!

Having this for lunch makes the first day back to work a little easier, but I'm definitely missing my family. One week of baby cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - a messy, very loud, kind of love. I soaked it all up and it's left me feeling very whole. A few photos below:

Lots of bike riding, dance class watching, hiking (Letchworth, NY), pool swimming, laughing and loving. Feeling very grateful this Monday! But, admittingly, a little anxious. I'm an anxious person and with work on the horizon, I was anxious this whole weekend. Everything bothered me, from my closet (NO CLOTHES THAT FIT ME), to a general lack of sleep - I literally drove the struggle bus.

Speaking of my closest, I bought a few items to hopefully tide me over during this weight loss journey and I'm pretty excited for them to get here. Just a few casual closet staples:

1. Cute tees from J.Crew Factory, here and here.
2. Basic tee from Old Navy and a fun maxi skirt!
3. New Toms [because I managed to fall off my bike into the mud last week....]

Buying new things is always fun, amirite?!

Happy Monday, all - here's a few additional internet findings to help you get through the day:

• A fun, relaxing getaway - sign me up!
• Yummy overnight oats
• Why you should edit your closet twice a year

Back in Business, Folks!

Welcome to the very new From Scratch! You've likely been redirected from the old blog over to the new site, so hi to all those who've followed along for this entire journey. For those of you who are new here - happy to have you! I'm Ashley, a wannabe blogger who has finally decided to try this one more time. This space has been many things - first, it was some sort of dumb & delusional relationship blog based on a previous boyfriend and after nearly two years of that it morphed into a hot-mess-express lifestyle blog, with no voice - not one that was mine at least. If you scroll down a bit, you can read more on that!

Anyway! I'm not sure what will happen here, but I know this - anything "From Scratch" is better. I'm a 20-something who knows what it feels like to hit rock bottom way too young and spent an entire year building myself back up from scratch. I'd like to continue that journey here, in a very honest way.

That being said, thumb around on here! You'll likely find some really embarrassing crap, so enjoy ;)

A New Direction

Hello, is anyone there? Is the mic on?

I have an endless love affair with blogs, they are part of my daily reading, heck some of those people are just plain a part of my life. It's such a beautiful window into the honest, brutal, lovely, trying, joyful (etc, etc, etc..) parts of people's lives. I think what makes a blog so successful are two things: one, the commitment to show up in this space often, and the dedication to make the content yours.

From Scratch is my second blog and I certainly love the direction this one took more than the last, but I've struggled to show up, to be consistent and I think I've figured out why. This space has become more about what I think everyone will want, versus what I want. Really, at the end of the day, a blog is like a journal and if you aren't writing down things that actually matter to YOU, then what does it even matter. I've tried to make this space so many different things that just haven't made sense to me on a whole.

SO, that leads me to the crux of this post (for those who are listening)....as of today, I'm going to try something new. At large, the content will change and eventually so will the look. I want this blog to reflect my current journey, which is one of wellness, love, laughter, and just plain ol' life and its adventures. If I had it my way, I wouldn't do it alone and so truly my vision would be to make this space a place where many people would be writing. But that's all in due time.

If  you're here, please stick around!

101 in 1001

I've been reading Mackenzie Horan's blog for some time now and why it's taken me so long to join in on her 101 things in 1001 days challenge is beyond me, but here I am...finally making a list of my own! This list building stuff is difficult, who knew right?!

Start date: January 26th, 2015
End date: October 23rd, 2017

Personal.

• Lose 50 pounds
• Unplug (no phone, no computer) for 24 hours
• Volunteer somewhere new
• Host a party
• Read 40 new books
• See a Broadway play/musical
• Run a 5k
• Move to my own place
• Buy a pet fish
• Go skydiving
• Learn to paddle board 
• Go berry picking
• "Pay it forward" at Starbucks or a similar place
• Sponsor a child
• Watch a documentary 
• Create another photo book from a trip or other important life event
• Start taking yoga classes
• Build a blanket fort
• Find a way to be more involved with my church
• Make a big dinner for the people I love
• Have my make up professionally done
• Vote in the next election
• Visit a new museum 
• Fall in love
• Visit the NYC Christmas tree
• Go to brunch in NYC
• Adopt an animal
• Write a letter to myself to open in 5 years
• Drink only water for one month
• Go to a taping of SNL
• Leave a 100% tip
• Get a blowout from the salon
• Go on a first date
• Commit to my Weight Watchers plan for at least one month (longer hopefully!)
• Buy my little cousins each a sweet gift (all 11 of them)
• Pay for my parents to go to dinner or on a small trip
• Don't consume alcohol for one month
• Don't go out to eat for one month
• Read my Bible every Sunday
• Go to Church every Sunday (unless outstanding circumstances occur)
• Paint at least 5 new pictures
• Splurge on a nice camera for myself
• No shopping for one month
• Work out for 5 days a week for at least one month
• Try 5 new restaurants
• Try new dishes from my favorite restaurants (I have a bad habit of eating the same thing once I like it...for example, I've eaten the same Mexican Tortilla Salad from the Cheesecake Factory for the last two years...)
• Redesign my blog
• Say yes to everything (if appropriate) for one month
• Finish my savings fund for my future apartment, then expand the savings limit I set
• Create a savings fund for a new car
• Play a game of soccer or wiffle ball with friends
• Host a BBQ 
• Do a wine tasting
• Host friends for a poker game or other card game
• Go to bed at 9 p.m. Sunday through Thursday for one month
• Start a book club
• Journal in my "Line a day" book consistently for the next year
• Start and finish a new TV series on Netflix
• Go to the drive-in
• Go to a concert
• Attend 5 basketball games for my Alma Mater 
• Read for at least 30 minutes a night for one month
• Renew my boating and fishing licenses 
• Host a surprise party for a friend
• Buy fresh flowers every week for a month
• "Spring clean" all social media accounts
• Send out my own Christmas cards next year
• Pay ahead on my student loans to give myself a one month+ break in paying
• Watch 5 classic films
• Wash my face every night
• Brush my teeth twice a day for one month (guys, I really just don't like the feeling, but know I should make a habit of doing twice a day...I do brush once though, so no judging)
• Go to the movies once a month starting in February
• Unsubscribe from unwanted emails
• Buy "Bean Boots"
• Watch the sunrise
• Watch the sunset

Professional.

• Take writing classes
• Consider grad school or an additional certificate for my field
• Blog at least 300 times
• Take a Photoshop class
• Start a new blog series

Travel.

• Visit Costa Rica
• Visit the Statue of Liberty
• Visit Seattle
• Buy a post card in each place I travel to
• Do service in another country
• Take a trip to Cuba
• Go camping
• Take a "staycation" 
• Take a trip to the shore

Educational.

• Finish learning Spanish
• Learn to make pupusas
• Taking a cooking class
• Make 5 Pinterest recipes
• Open my cookbooks more often and cook my way through one of them
• Take additional ski lessons
• Go to a shooting range
• Take a dance class
• Make macaroons
• Learn to sew
• Plant a vegetable garden (aka learn to garden)

A little selfishness goes a long way...trust me

The word selfish has a wicked definition – one that I think many people would shy away from being referred to as. But, over the course of this past year or so, I’ve learned that without selfishness we often run the risk of losing ourselves along the way.

In August 2013, I hit, what my friends lovingly tell me, was rock bottom. I had spent the prior year-and-a-half in a relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry, that I had banked on marrying. I was young – still am young – but all signs pointed towards that being the case. I was happy. But I was also lying to myself. So, after what I later realized was a tumultuous relationship, he broke up with me in a Panera Bread parking lot on our year-and-a-half “anniversary.”  I didn’t see it coming and I was devastated.

The next day, I took a page from the book “Eat, Pray, Love,” packed my bags, and made the five hour drive to my best friends cabin in Upstate New York to spend a week with no internet, no cell service, no nothing, I even deleted my Facebook for extra privacy.

It wasn’t until the tail end of my trip when the gravity of my situation hit me. We were sitting on a dock in the middle of a marsh when I realized that because I had spent the last year-and-a-half giving everything and sparing nothing to a man that undervalued me, that I in turn had actually given nothing to myself.

Aside from a handful of girlfriends who I rarely saw, I had no solid friendships. Despite my family's unwavering love, I placed next to no importance on our relationships. My schooling suffered, mental stability had been challenged and my ability to live in the present had died with my uncanny habit of living in the future. I had given myself so fully to that relationship that I left myself with no foundation to rely on.

I decided then, in that moment, that the only way to heal was to be selfish. I headed into my senior year of college with unmatched determination. I saw a therapist to once and for all learn to cope with my anxiety, I strengthened relationships with family and friends in beautiful ways, I traveled to El Salvador on an unforgettable service trip, finished my education and college experience in ways I will cherish forever and was employed by graduation.

It was a beautiful walk of life and one that was certainly met with hardships, but the lessons I learned are ones I’m grateful for. What I can tell you is this: selfishness feels wrong, but to be selfish, even in the slightest, is to place importance on yourself, your well-being, your happiness, your life. It was only when I decided to spend time on myself that my life became everything I wanted and needed it to be.

Selfishness means waking up in the morning and asking what you want from your day and your life, it’s going to the gym daily, drinking enough water, fostering relationships in every corner of your life – it’s whatever the hell you want it to be. Not everyone is going to like it, but the outcome…the outcome is magnificent.